i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
BRING THE BAGELS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
