All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
