I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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