It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
