If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
