Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
