tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
