It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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