Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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