apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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