Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
