and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
