U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
