"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
