I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
