We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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