He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
