I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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