we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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