Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
