She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
