Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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