I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
