If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
