Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
