Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
