Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
