I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
