turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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