he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize