yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
