I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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