He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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