Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
