My underwear smells like fireworks.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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