The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
