god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
