this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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