3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
