So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
