one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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