A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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