Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
