I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize