the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
