Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
