My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
