Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
