my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hippo gnu deer
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
