it's like iHOP with fire
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
