There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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